I’m wide awake and I can’t seem to fall asleep.
I haven’t been taking my medications religiously. Part of me feels pathetic to rely on them and the other part begs me to continue what was supposed to be a routine. I put off taking the medications to the point I forget about it. I’m supposed to be transitioning slowly to a different kind of antidepressants but at this point I might as well go ahead and start on it since I’m not even taking the current one regularly.
Anyway, I had a terrible episode the other night. As empty as I claim to feel all the time I think maybe all my emotions are just suppressed. It’s a different kind of feeling from being numb. It’s worse. Think of the suppressed feelings as oil, harmless until a fire comes along. The fire is that small trigger. It could be anything. So that unfortunate night there was that small event that triggered me and I just blew up. I blew up and I had one of the worse mental breakdowns. I hurt myself so bad I was still bleeding the following day. You see, usually when I hurt myself, it’s to distract myself from the emotions I’m feeling. Lately, I hurt myself because I yearn for one thing – to hit a vein.
I tried to call for help. I really did try. I called the one person I go to when my B’s not around. & he was at work. I called my best friend after. I just – I really tried to reach out.. I was in so much pain. It’s an unforgettable kind of pain. I remember gasping for air, feeling my chest tightening and I knew I just needed to ground myself to the physical world.. and get out of it. I wonder sometimes if I’ll ever manage to hurt myself bad enough to have a pool of blood surround me.