I can’t remember when I started using that name. I think it was 19? It has stuck through with me till today. It became my identity. It may be morbid, but it is me.

I decided to start blogging again because I saw old posts from Blogger (lmao remember those days?). I was sad and now I would like to look back again in a few short years, remembering that despite still being sad, I am so much more as well.

Last two years have been life changing. I am in love. & love paved the way to self-recovery and self-love. I started therapy last year November. After weeks of tough sessions it was decided that it is best for me to finally get myself medically checked for a mental illness. I was not prepared for the appalling questions I had to begin answering. Then again, when or how can I ever be prepared to answer intimate and private questions pertaining to what goes on inside my mind? I was diagnosed with Severe Depressive Disorder.

It got bad before the dust finally started to settle. I had a little mishap with sleeping pills and antidepressants which led my therapist to believe that I needed a lifeline. The love that paved the way to recovery was it. My doctor decided, no more sleeping pills for me. I had changes to medications, different dosages, it was an experiment and the goal was to level my chemical imbalance. It was a tough few months, struggling to keep up with the side effects. Finally, I changed to a new day-time antidepressants.

It’s been working well most days. I think. It has suppressed many emotions I find difficult to deal with. The thing is though, when I spiral into an episode it backfires. I have been feeling rather heavy lately but I’m not ready to let all the emotions out. It is not only painful, it is tiring and I don’t have the mental capacity lately to deal with them due to work. So I have taken a break from therapy. Until work gets a little lighter, I’ve decided to take a breather.

These medications are also causing me a lot financially. I am struggling to keep up with the expenses. Truth be told, I took a pause on paying for them. A month’s dose costs over a $100. I’m all out of medisave to use for this year. So I’m going to reach out to Social Services to help me out.

So this is me, 22 years old, in love and on a journey of recovery and self-love.

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